I work with the public. The nosy, rude, obtuse public. Or, at least they become this way once they see a pregnant woman. It's as if a switch goes off in people's heads when they see an expectant woman, a switch that turns off their intelligence and tact. Some of my favorites (just from TODAY)...
Customer: "Should you be drinking that Diet Coke in your condition?? I heard that caffeine is really bad for you"
What I said: "Oh, ya, I have really bad migraines and my doctor says that this can help take the edge off, and it's much safer than advil "
What I wanted to say: "It's none of your business what I consume, because you are not my mother, or my husband, or my doctor. Are you a medical professional? Did you graduate high school? Because I feel like, if you had, you would have learned the necessary social skills that would prevent you from saying something like that to someone. Why don't you mind your own business and go buy something. Thanks"
Customer: "Should you be painting that office while you are pregnant!? <<disapproving glare>>
What I said :"Oh, it's safe! They have these zero VOC paints now which are totally safe to use while pregnant!!"
What I wanted to say: "Probably not, will you do it for me? When I went to the paint store today, I explicitly asked for the paint that will cause fetal brain damage, so I am a *little* concerned, so it's really nice of you to offer your services instead!"
Customer (while I was snacking on a bag of sugary dried fruit): "be careful with that...it's addictive...and the more weight you gain now, the more you will have to take off later!
What I said "oh, I know! It really IS addictive!!"
What I wanted to say: "Do you walk up to overweight people eating at McDonalds and say that?!! NO?? Why is that? Oh, that's right, because that is WRONG! What the hell is wrong with you lady! I AM HUNGRY AND PREGNANT AND WORKING ALL DAY. I hope you develop a thyroid/weight problem later in life so that you can feel like everyone is critiquing the food YOU eat and wondering whether you should be stuffing your face with it. Actually, it kind of looks like you weigh more than I do right now....and I am six months pregnant. Bitch."
I am also tired of people offering their prenatal yoga classes to me and asking for my cell phone number (and I have to be nice and say ok cause they are buying things), and people who ask me if I am going to breastfeed (I want to say "no, my breasts are fake and I am concerned with the silicone leaking out and hurting the baby"). Oh, my breasts are very real.
I am not a public commodity right now, and neither is my belly....get your strange hands off of me. That includes you weird GUY, yes I am a sexist and it is more weird that one guy touched my belly than the dozen or so strange women that have so far. It is totally ok if you are my guy friend, and the baby is moving, and I have explicitly invited you to touch my belly. However, if you don't know my name and I am blowing up some balloons for your daughter's Disney princess party DO NOT walk up to me and touch my belly. That just crosses a line there buddy.
It's even annoying when people say "oh, 25 weeks! you are too tiny!" Oh, I must not be eating enough of that sugary dried fruit. Sorry for intentionally starving my baby.
So, the moral of this story is that if you must say something about a woman's pregnancy when you see her burgeoning belly, stick to "when are you due?" and "you must be so excited!". Those are nice things, and so far, I find these conversations (while repetitive) totally pleasant, non-judgemental and kind. I also like it when people tell me how nice the hospital staff is and I enjoy hearing NICE stories about their own children and deliveries. No, I don't want to hear about how you didn't get there in time for your epidural, that does not count as nice.
Maybe some of today was my fault. I should not have worn a fitted tank top and jeans while painting and eating sugary food. Also, I should not drink the equivalent of crack cocaine in front of others (by the way, it was one of those new tiny cans of diet coke, not the full size can). My bad.
I should toss in a BIG thank you to all of my friends who keep telling me to stuff my face and who tell me how pretty I look while pregnant. I love my friends who are coming to make me truffles (M.F. I am in love with you) and my friends who listen to me bitch all the time about how ill I feel (all initials here really). You are all making this pregnancy so much better for me. And a HUGE thank you to my husband who makes every single hour I am with him wonderful.
Customer: "Should you be drinking that Diet Coke in your condition?? I heard that caffeine is really bad for you"
What I said: "Oh, ya, I have really bad migraines and my doctor says that this can help take the edge off, and it's much safer than advil "
What I wanted to say: "It's none of your business what I consume, because you are not my mother, or my husband, or my doctor. Are you a medical professional? Did you graduate high school? Because I feel like, if you had, you would have learned the necessary social skills that would prevent you from saying something like that to someone. Why don't you mind your own business and go buy something. Thanks"
Customer: "Should you be painting that office while you are pregnant!? <<disapproving glare>>
What I said :"Oh, it's safe! They have these zero VOC paints now which are totally safe to use while pregnant!!"
What I wanted to say: "Probably not, will you do it for me? When I went to the paint store today, I explicitly asked for the paint that will cause fetal brain damage, so I am a *little* concerned, so it's really nice of you to offer your services instead!"
Customer (while I was snacking on a bag of sugary dried fruit): "be careful with that...it's addictive...and the more weight you gain now, the more you will have to take off later!
What I said "oh, I know! It really IS addictive!!"
What I wanted to say: "Do you walk up to overweight people eating at McDonalds and say that?!! NO?? Why is that? Oh, that's right, because that is WRONG! What the hell is wrong with you lady! I AM HUNGRY AND PREGNANT AND WORKING ALL DAY. I hope you develop a thyroid/weight problem later in life so that you can feel like everyone is critiquing the food YOU eat and wondering whether you should be stuffing your face with it. Actually, it kind of looks like you weigh more than I do right now....and I am six months pregnant. Bitch."
I am also tired of people offering their prenatal yoga classes to me and asking for my cell phone number (and I have to be nice and say ok cause they are buying things), and people who ask me if I am going to breastfeed (I want to say "no, my breasts are fake and I am concerned with the silicone leaking out and hurting the baby"). Oh, my breasts are very real.
I am not a public commodity right now, and neither is my belly....get your strange hands off of me. That includes you weird GUY, yes I am a sexist and it is more weird that one guy touched my belly than the dozen or so strange women that have so far. It is totally ok if you are my guy friend, and the baby is moving, and I have explicitly invited you to touch my belly. However, if you don't know my name and I am blowing up some balloons for your daughter's Disney princess party DO NOT walk up to me and touch my belly. That just crosses a line there buddy.
It's even annoying when people say "oh, 25 weeks! you are too tiny!" Oh, I must not be eating enough of that sugary dried fruit. Sorry for intentionally starving my baby.
So, the moral of this story is that if you must say something about a woman's pregnancy when you see her burgeoning belly, stick to "when are you due?" and "you must be so excited!". Those are nice things, and so far, I find these conversations (while repetitive) totally pleasant, non-judgemental and kind. I also like it when people tell me how nice the hospital staff is and I enjoy hearing NICE stories about their own children and deliveries. No, I don't want to hear about how you didn't get there in time for your epidural, that does not count as nice.
Maybe some of today was my fault. I should not have worn a fitted tank top and jeans while painting and eating sugary food. Also, I should not drink the equivalent of crack cocaine in front of others (by the way, it was one of those new tiny cans of diet coke, not the full size can). My bad.
I should toss in a BIG thank you to all of my friends who keep telling me to stuff my face and who tell me how pretty I look while pregnant. I love my friends who are coming to make me truffles (M.F. I am in love with you) and my friends who listen to me bitch all the time about how ill I feel (all initials here really). You are all making this pregnancy so much better for me. And a HUGE thank you to my husband who makes every single hour I am with him wonderful.
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