So, we are in the waiting room at the doc's office, and I am just sitting there all miserable from being 134 weeks pregnant when I see an issue of "Pregnancy" magazine sitting on the waiting room table. I remember an email from my BFF about a cloth diaper coupon that she was on the lookout for, so I asked my husband to check what month the issue is from (ya know, because sitting up and leaning over to the table myself was way too hard at 178 weeks pregnant). It's March...YESSSSS!!
I take the issue and start thumbing through it looking for the coupon. I didn't see it at first...but then there is was!! Inside the front cover! Uh oh. Dilema. Damn...do I tear the cover off of a waiting room magazine?? Is that wrong?? Hubby seemed to think so, and so we proceeded to have a hushed argument/conversation about the moral issues surrounding the pillaging of waiting room magazines. Now, about my husband, he has a thing for rules and laws and social norms...he ALWAYS follows them to the letter. I, on the other hand, am totally fine with bending a few here and there (5 mph over the limit is not a freaking felony). So, since I am the dominant (and pregnant) one in the relationship, I make the decision that saving my friend some cash money is worth the time I will spend in Jew purgatory for my "crime".
So I begin. Casually bending the cover back and forth forming a crease line that I can tear the coupon neatly from. At this point, my husband is HORRIFIED that I (his wife and the mother of his unborn son) am defiling a magazine that does NOT belong to me. He says the magazine belongs to one Dr. M.C. whose name is clearly printed on the magazines exterior cover. I rationalize: based upon the dollar amount that we are paying per visit for this wonderful doctor in her chic office, this magazine belongs to both the doctor and myself equally. My argument does not sway my husband. In his mind I am STEALING, totally tantamount to robbing a bank, right there in the office where my baby's doctor is! Oh the SHAME!! THE HORROR!!! At this point, he is so embarrassed (um, nobody was there, nobody could see me, my back was to the desk) that he actually MOVED TO ANOTHER COUCH!! That's right, my husband was so mortified that I could do this that he switched couches to pretend like he didn't know this CRAZY thieving woman, while mumbling "I don't know you, I don't know you..." (who is crazy in this situation?).
I find this all quite hysterical. So funny in fact, that my headache and pelvic pain were shifted to the back of my mind as I quietly giggled and finished the "job". So now I am done, and I got so much joy out of stealing this coupon while my husband squirmed on (his own) couch that I start looking around for more magazines that I can pilfer through...and guess what I find?? This office has MULTIPLE SUBSCRIPTIONS to that same Parenting magazine!! In fact, there are TWO other copies on the next table over!! Sweet nectar of the Gods!! I managed to make my husband squirm some more by stealthily removing one more coupon from the cover before the nurse opened the door and called my name to come back for my weekly pawing and urinalysis. SWEET!
My husband, by they way, DID find another coupon, on an interior magazine page, which still seemed to make him a little uncomfortable when I ripped it out, but to a much much lesser extent. So, kudos sweetheart for saving my best friend some money, but not at the expense of your soul.
At this point, I think it is important to mention that my husband's completely honest and moral heart is one of the most attractive things about him. I fell totally totally in love with how GOOD a person he is...and not even out of fear of punishment from God (he is somewhat agnostic, yet spiritual in his own way). He is simply good for the good of it, and I hope and pray (to God, because I am very much a believer in God) that he is always that way.
Now for that one issue left that escaped my grasp...I guess there is always next weeks visit.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Crap people say to you when you are pregnant (Dec. 2009)
I work with the public. The nosy, rude, obtuse public. Or, at least they become this way once they see a pregnant woman. It's as if a switch goes off in people's heads when they see an expectant woman, a switch that turns off their intelligence and tact. Some of my favorites (just from TODAY)...
Customer: "Should you be drinking that Diet Coke in your condition?? I heard that caffeine is really bad for you"
What I said: "Oh, ya, I have really bad migraines and my doctor says that this can help take the edge off, and it's much safer than advil "
What I wanted to say: "It's none of your business what I consume, because you are not my mother, or my husband, or my doctor. Are you a medical professional? Did you graduate high school? Because I feel like, if you had, you would have learned the necessary social skills that would prevent you from saying something like that to someone. Why don't you mind your own business and go buy something. Thanks"
Customer: "Should you be painting that office while you are pregnant!? <<disapproving glare>>
What I said :"Oh, it's safe! They have these zero VOC paints now which are totally safe to use while pregnant!!"
What I wanted to say: "Probably not, will you do it for me? When I went to the paint store today, I explicitly asked for the paint that will cause fetal brain damage, so I am a *little* concerned, so it's really nice of you to offer your services instead!"
Customer (while I was snacking on a bag of sugary dried fruit): "be careful with that...it's addictive...and the more weight you gain now, the more you will have to take off later!
What I said "oh, I know! It really IS addictive!!"
What I wanted to say: "Do you walk up to overweight people eating at McDonalds and say that?!! NO?? Why is that? Oh, that's right, because that is WRONG! What the hell is wrong with you lady! I AM HUNGRY AND PREGNANT AND WORKING ALL DAY. I hope you develop a thyroid/weight problem later in life so that you can feel like everyone is critiquing the food YOU eat and wondering whether you should be stuffing your face with it. Actually, it kind of looks like you weigh more than I do right now....and I am six months pregnant. Bitch."
I am also tired of people offering their prenatal yoga classes to me and asking for my cell phone number (and I have to be nice and say ok cause they are buying things), and people who ask me if I am going to breastfeed (I want to say "no, my breasts are fake and I am concerned with the silicone leaking out and hurting the baby"). Oh, my breasts are very real.
I am not a public commodity right now, and neither is my belly....get your strange hands off of me. That includes you weird GUY, yes I am a sexist and it is more weird that one guy touched my belly than the dozen or so strange women that have so far. It is totally ok if you are my guy friend, and the baby is moving, and I have explicitly invited you to touch my belly. However, if you don't know my name and I am blowing up some balloons for your daughter's Disney princess party DO NOT walk up to me and touch my belly. That just crosses a line there buddy.
It's even annoying when people say "oh, 25 weeks! you are too tiny!" Oh, I must not be eating enough of that sugary dried fruit. Sorry for intentionally starving my baby.
So, the moral of this story is that if you must say something about a woman's pregnancy when you see her burgeoning belly, stick to "when are you due?" and "you must be so excited!". Those are nice things, and so far, I find these conversations (while repetitive) totally pleasant, non-judgemental and kind. I also like it when people tell me how nice the hospital staff is and I enjoy hearing NICE stories about their own children and deliveries. No, I don't want to hear about how you didn't get there in time for your epidural, that does not count as nice.
Maybe some of today was my fault. I should not have worn a fitted tank top and jeans while painting and eating sugary food. Also, I should not drink the equivalent of crack cocaine in front of others (by the way, it was one of those new tiny cans of diet coke, not the full size can). My bad.
I should toss in a BIG thank you to all of my friends who keep telling me to stuff my face and who tell me how pretty I look while pregnant. I love my friends who are coming to make me truffles (M.F. I am in love with you) and my friends who listen to me bitch all the time about how ill I feel (all initials here really). You are all making this pregnancy so much better for me. And a HUGE thank you to my husband who makes every single hour I am with him wonderful.
Customer: "Should you be drinking that Diet Coke in your condition?? I heard that caffeine is really bad for you"
What I said: "Oh, ya, I have really bad migraines and my doctor says that this can help take the edge off, and it's much safer than advil "
What I wanted to say: "It's none of your business what I consume, because you are not my mother, or my husband, or my doctor. Are you a medical professional? Did you graduate high school? Because I feel like, if you had, you would have learned the necessary social skills that would prevent you from saying something like that to someone. Why don't you mind your own business and go buy something. Thanks"
Customer: "Should you be painting that office while you are pregnant!? <<disapproving glare>>
What I said :"Oh, it's safe! They have these zero VOC paints now which are totally safe to use while pregnant!!"
What I wanted to say: "Probably not, will you do it for me? When I went to the paint store today, I explicitly asked for the paint that will cause fetal brain damage, so I am a *little* concerned, so it's really nice of you to offer your services instead!"
Customer (while I was snacking on a bag of sugary dried fruit): "be careful with that...it's addictive...and the more weight you gain now, the more you will have to take off later!
What I said "oh, I know! It really IS addictive!!"
What I wanted to say: "Do you walk up to overweight people eating at McDonalds and say that?!! NO?? Why is that? Oh, that's right, because that is WRONG! What the hell is wrong with you lady! I AM HUNGRY AND PREGNANT AND WORKING ALL DAY. I hope you develop a thyroid/weight problem later in life so that you can feel like everyone is critiquing the food YOU eat and wondering whether you should be stuffing your face with it. Actually, it kind of looks like you weigh more than I do right now....and I am six months pregnant. Bitch."
I am also tired of people offering their prenatal yoga classes to me and asking for my cell phone number (and I have to be nice and say ok cause they are buying things), and people who ask me if I am going to breastfeed (I want to say "no, my breasts are fake and I am concerned with the silicone leaking out and hurting the baby"). Oh, my breasts are very real.
I am not a public commodity right now, and neither is my belly....get your strange hands off of me. That includes you weird GUY, yes I am a sexist and it is more weird that one guy touched my belly than the dozen or so strange women that have so far. It is totally ok if you are my guy friend, and the baby is moving, and I have explicitly invited you to touch my belly. However, if you don't know my name and I am blowing up some balloons for your daughter's Disney princess party DO NOT walk up to me and touch my belly. That just crosses a line there buddy.
It's even annoying when people say "oh, 25 weeks! you are too tiny!" Oh, I must not be eating enough of that sugary dried fruit. Sorry for intentionally starving my baby.
So, the moral of this story is that if you must say something about a woman's pregnancy when you see her burgeoning belly, stick to "when are you due?" and "you must be so excited!". Those are nice things, and so far, I find these conversations (while repetitive) totally pleasant, non-judgemental and kind. I also like it when people tell me how nice the hospital staff is and I enjoy hearing NICE stories about their own children and deliveries. No, I don't want to hear about how you didn't get there in time for your epidural, that does not count as nice.
Maybe some of today was my fault. I should not have worn a fitted tank top and jeans while painting and eating sugary food. Also, I should not drink the equivalent of crack cocaine in front of others (by the way, it was one of those new tiny cans of diet coke, not the full size can). My bad.
I should toss in a BIG thank you to all of my friends who keep telling me to stuff my face and who tell me how pretty I look while pregnant. I love my friends who are coming to make me truffles (M.F. I am in love with you) and my friends who listen to me bitch all the time about how ill I feel (all initials here really). You are all making this pregnancy so much better for me. And a HUGE thank you to my husband who makes every single hour I am with him wonderful.
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